December 18th, 2006

Time: 12:44 am

So I'm kind of hating life right now. Christmas "vacation" sucks. Family drama as usual ensues no matter how much I try and distance myself. My sister got away w/ her little test at independence which failed miserably and because my mom and dad are too afraid to face reality and render any kind of judgment or punishment she'll get away w/ it w/ little more than a slap on the wrist. Bullshit. My brother gets to come home and enjoy his vacation by hanging out w/ his friends and partying till the wee hours of the morning and only has to go back to Seattle to work for 2 days & then gets to come back and enjoy it some more. I'm also forced to dumb myself down and feel stupid or otherwise have what I say mocked while living at home. God I miss school.

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December 10th, 2006

Time: 10:12 pm

I don't use my LJ enough and yet my friends page is my homepage in Firefox. Strange? I think so. I think I'll make an attempt just short of a New Year's Resolution to update my LJ more frequently. Stories may or may not be mundane but I think that the expression of my feelings through typing may be cathartic. So I'm 23 now and another quarter under my belt at CWU. I'm back at home for a couple of weeks for winter break. I've been home since Friday and I already wish it were January. It's not the errand running, or the fact that there is nothing to do here that really bothers me it's 2 things. 1.) The fact that my Mom doesn't treat me like an adult. I'm 23 and can make decisions by myself and can realize the pros and cons of each of them. And if I don't make the right one then as a result I must accept the consequences. That's life and part of being an adult right? The stupidest thing happened tonight & I just lit into her. My phone rang. I have a musical ring tone of a Disturbed song. My Mom starts in on this diatribe about how "that's bad music w/ parental advisory stickers etc." "you shouldn't listen to that" blah blah blah. It is my opinion that my Mom is so overcome w/ empty nest syndrome that she has to look for things to pick at in order to maintain some degree of authority or else face the reality of the fact that her children are independent. So that's the theology behind the event. And then there is my response. I told her that I'm an adult and that my choice in music has little to no bearing on who I am. I told her that I'm 23 years old now and have been able to decide for myself without her guiding whether or not to purchase CD's with parental advisory stickers on them. That my music is part of my individuality. I said that she would be ill advised to talk like that because she sounds uneducated. That shes drawing conclusions based on nothing more than her personal dislike for music from this generation. I've exonerated myself and I feel better but it's the fact that even at 23 years old I still have to hear this kind of stuff from her. It's ridiculous. Adults need to have adult level conversation w/ one another and not resort to this kind of domineering conversation where one person continually insists that they are right. 2.) Family drama. I won't get into a bunch of details at the moment but the fact that my family is overcome w/ drama and refuses to take any kind of active steps to avoid or at least solve it is beyond me. Everyone wants to compartmentalize it all and not think about it and just sweep it under the rug. And if that can't happen then we look to other people to try & come up w/ a solution and if that solution doesn't work then we'll just continue w/ the same crap and wait for another day. That probably doesn't make sense but it felt good to type it. That's all I have right now.

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September 8th, 2006

Subject: College Graduate Time: 02:54 pm Current Mood: ecstatic

Looking back on my 22 years of life I can think of several events in my life that have filled me with a great deal of pleasure and happiness. Disneyland with my family when I was young, my learners permit & license, graduating high school.... And now I can add to that list. Graduating college! Today officially marks my graduation from WVC, my diploma came in the mail meaning I am the first of the 3 McMahon children to have a college degree under my belt. All that's left now is another year and a half to two years of PR focused classes and I'll have my BA. I am so pumped it's not even funny!

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June 13th, 2006

Current Music: Tool-- Swamp Song Subject: Wenatchee Does it again Time: 04:23 pm Current Mood: depressed

I dont really know if I should be blaming Wenatchee, mnyself, my parents, or a combination of those and other factors but the truth remains that I am a 22 year old failure. ( Read more... )

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March 6th, 2006

Time: 11:26 am

You know what I'm really sick and tired of? Family drama. More specifically my families inability to avoid it and move beyond it. It seems that every week at least once or twice I get a phone call from back home about some random thing that is really minor. I'm 60 miles away and so my question is: what am I supposed to do about it? I don't know what I'm saying. Goodbye.

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February 10th, 2006

Time: 11:50 am

So last night at the Starlight: TJ- "My neighbor invented the Bowflex!" Meghan- "Chuck Norris invented the Bowflex BITCH!!!!" Even though my neighbor seriously did.

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February 1st, 2006

Time: 10:17 am

Reds are motivated by POWER, seek productivity, and need to look good to others. Simply stated, REDS want their own way. They like to be in the drivers seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. REDS value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be at work, school, or in their personal relationships. What REDS value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist being forced to do anything that doesnt interest them. Reds need to appear knowledgeable. They crave approval from others for their intelligence and insight. They want to be respected even more than they want to be loved. They want to be admired for their logical, practical minds. REDS are confident, proactive, visionary, and can be arrogant, selfish, and insensitive. When you deal with a RED, be precise, factual, and direct. What Color Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

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January 28th, 2006

Time: 02:45 am

I have made some great new friends since I've been at CWU! I had a great time tonight & will post more tomorrow.

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January 23rd, 2006

Current Music: Nikki French--Total Eclipse of the Heart (Remix) Time: 01:22 pm Current Mood: energetic

So for the first time in a few years I'm listening to a song that used to bring upa a swell of feelings from a certain someone & as I listen to it right now I can honestly say that I don't feel the same way & that brings a smile to my face. Moving on kicks ass! even if takes forever. I'm feeling good today even though I woke up at like 6:00 AM & couldn't get back to sleep. I need to re-arrange my room or something. People need my "get it done" approach to new problems & I'm distancing myself not only physically (problems in Wenatchee & Seattle & I'm in Ellensburg) but mentally as well. I offer my advice but I'm not gonna do it. I don't know what it is but today is good! TJm

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January 22nd, 2006

Current Music: Disturbed--Violence Fetish Time: 01:57 pm

So I've determined that having my own room at school is so much better than living with a roommate. I like being able to watch my TV shows without asking which I can now do since I have my TV (but no remote damn it!) & I can sleep in as late as I want & I have been & I feel better. It's so much better! I can also listen to my music when I want & talk on the phone whenever & for as long as I want. I'm really loving it!

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January 10th, 2006

Current Music: Led Zepplin--Kashmir Subject: 2 Things That Piss Me Off Time: 12:07 pm Current Mood: aggravated

So you know what pisses me off? Two things really that have happened in the course of the last hour to hour and a half.  ( RANT BEHIND CUT )

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January 3rd, 2006

Current Music: Simon & Garfunkel-- Cecilia Subject: Welcome to 2006! Time: 06:36 pm Current Mood: thankful

So here we are 3 days into 2006 & this is my first update in a long time. For that I apologize because I know that there are people who are on my friends list who like to be updated on my life & it's happenings. I'll try & make posts more often. Well after a long & somewhat trying vacation break I am back at CWU for my second quarter. It's amazing how much I've acclimated to being here on my own for the most part. I really enjoy it. I like being away from the drama of home & having my buffer zone. Between dealing with car wrecks & the subsequent agents involved with that to drama w/ my brother & parents it's nice to be back where I don't have to deal with that kind of stuff directly. Classes start tomorrow & I'm looking forward to getting back into it. I have to finish unpacking the rest of my clothes which are currently laying out on my bed so that I'll have a place to sleep tonight. I'll be sure & post more about break later. Probably tonight. Love to all in '06! TJm

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December 3rd, 2005

Time: 04:58 pm

What a distinct pleasure it's been to listen to my roommate throw up 3 different times this afternoon. Not to mention the fact that he didn't lock our door last night & someone dropped eggs on the floor. I've requested my transfer & hopefully will be moving out sometime in Winter quarter. UPDATE 5:02... Retching #4 taking place as I type. God do I love college!

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Current Music: H.I.M.--Dark Light Subject: Party Time: 01:45 am Current Mood: tired

So in an effort to be a more social person I went out to a party with a friend of mine to be the DD. The party was pretty fun even though I only knew 2 people there. I got to hang out with this girl from PRSSA who I like & is funny and easy to talk to & that was fun. After I got back to my room I opened the door to find that someone had gotten in and dropped 2 egg's on the floor and there was no sign of my roommate. The door was unlocked too. Thankfully nothing was missing so we just chalked it up to random drunken college students celebrating the last weekend before winter break. It kind of pisses me off cause it could have been worse & soemone could have taken my computer, my DVD player etc. etc. I think I'm gonna request a single for next quarter. Update (1:45).. My wonderful roommate and 2 of his really drunk friends just came stumbling in here acting like total idiots. You'd never know we were at a college the way they were acting. I think it'll be better if I have my own room. Sure it won't be as big or as nice as this one but I think that's a hit I'm willing to take. More party stuff to discuss in a later post.

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November 14th, 2005

Time: 07:42 pm Current Mood: depressed

I feel like shit. That is all.

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October 24th, 2005

Current Music: Disturbed--Devour Time: 09:13 pm Current Mood: depressed

So I'm sitting here int his class listening but not actively. I feel like my head weighs a ton & I feel like crying & I don't know why. I think that I have bi-polar tendencies. I feel really good some days & then on days like today I question: What I am doing at CWU? In Ellensburg? What is the future? Why am I so tired? Why am I so cynical & jaded? Why can't I get excited about anything? Im sure that there are more rolling around in my head but those are the most prominent. They fill my head and my thoughts and I can't seem to divert my focus elsewhere. Why can't I be normal? And even tha tbegs the question what is normal? I feel like I don't fit in. Like life is a puzzle and the people are pieces that make up the larger picture. And whoever it is that is the higher power keeps picking up the other pieces and fixing them into the picture but never me. I feel like time is running out. How much longer can I keep feeling this way? Why can't I pick myself up, kick myself in the ass & bear down & get shit done. Is it that hard? It can't be if I've this far. This newfound independence CWU has afforded me is forcing me to look at the larger picture; life that is. I am terrified of failure, terrified of the life that lies down the road 3 years of so down the road. I want something or someone to comfort me. Drugs & alcohol are, to me, no more than temporary escapes which open more problem doors than they close so that's not the answer. Casual sex has many risks inherent in the behavior/lifestyle & requires one to be physically attractive thus closing off that option to me. I need someone to take in their arms and hold me and tell me that it will be alright & help to lift me up. I say help because I don't want to be caught in another clingy/co-dependent relationship. I realize on days like this that I am alone.  "Well what of your family & friends? Surely they are there for you." And there is no doubt that they are but at some point I must branch out on my own.  I have to go. --It was at that point that something the professor was saying became important.

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Current Music: Evanescence--Anywhere Subject: Not A Good Day Time: 09:03 pm Current Mood: depressed

Today was really, really shitty. And the thing of it is that I can't really place my finger on why that is. I've felt shitty all day since I woke up. I went to my 8: AM class & towards the middle I started to feel all closed in and just all in all felt gross. So I came back to my room & showered & watched some TV & it got even worse. I thought that showering and getting dressed would make me feel better. It didn't. I felt miserable. My head felt all heavy & I was dead tired. I took a caffeine pill & had some Mountain Dew thinking that I just needed to wake up. That didn't help. I got to my first class of the afternoon and I wasn't even really paying attention until it was almost over. I sat through most of it just writing down stuff & filled 2 pages. Maybe I'll transcribe it later. The remainder of the afternoon wasn't any better I felt like crying the whole day. Came close several times. Shortened breaths & an empty feeling rounded out my afternoon. I watched a movie to try & distract myself from these feelings but all it did was make them worse because of some of the themes in the movie. I tried eating dinner & that didn't make me feel better either. I don't know what it is. I'm fucked in the head I think. I'm gonna end this post & trnascribe my thoughts from this afternoon I think.

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October 5th, 2005

Current Music: Tool--Jimmy Subject: Fuck it Time: 05:27 pm Current Mood: depressed

For the first time since I've moved to CWU I actually want to go home. I'm fed up with it (classes, schedules, no car, roommate, & on & on) & don't want to be here anymore. I long for the simplicity of home & yet I know that can't happen. I don't think I'm cut out for this college shit. I realized fully today that I am truly alone on this campus as I am in life. I don't know what to do. TJm

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September 25th, 2005

Current Music: Motley Crue-- Same Old Situation (S.O.S) Subject: Week one at CWU Time: 04:22 pm Current Mood: tired

So as of today it's been one week since I've moved out of my house in Wenatchee & come to school at CWU. After the inevitable crying that followed lunch on move in day I unpacked & settled myself in. Classes didn't start until Wednesday so I had a few days to finish the unpacking & the settling in & the finding of classes. The first few days were a little troublesome. Making wrong turns walking to & from the SUB (Student Union Building) & the buildings where classes are. By Tuesday afternoon though I had it all figured out. I got my computer set up to use wireless in the SUB & all over campus. As for my classes they are all OK save for one. It's taught by a German lady who is a total bitch. She thinks she's the best thing to happen to that subject since it was introduced into higher education. She speaks really low & I get the feeling that she doesn't really wanna be there. I don't know how I'm gonna make it though that class. I like my room & my roommate is a pretty cool guy. I went to a late night Fred Meyer sale w/ Emily on Tuesday night & bought myself a mini fridge for my room. So now I have my own fridge & so does my roommate which is nice. The one provided by the school was just too small to use for 2 people's stuff. My mom is getting my bike fixed so I don't have to borrow Emily's anymore. I think I'm gonna go home next weekend & get it. I have no real bad news to report. Tomorrow begins the real test of my acclimation to CWU & life here. It's the first full week of classes & I'll get the real feel for what it's going to be like. I've only experienced lonliness once or twice & will save that drama for another post.

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September 18th, 2005

Time: 09:39 am

The car's packed! All I have to do is take a shower & rouse the parents & I'm off to CWU. Wish me luck!

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