The Hidden Mind

hyddenmynd87 @ 2006-12-18T00:44:00

2006-12-18T07:44:53Z

So I'm kind of hating life right now. Christmas "vacation" sucks. Family drama as usual ensues no matter how much I try and distance myself. My sister got away w/ her little test at independence which failed miserably and because my mom and dad are too afraid to face reality and render any kind of judgment or punishment she'll get away w/ it w/ little more than a slap on the wrist. Bullshit. My brother gets to come home and enjoy his vacation by hanging out w/ his friends and partying till the wee hours of the morning and only has to go back to Seattle to work for 2 days & then gets to come back and enjoy it some more. I'm also forced to dumb myself down and feel stupid or otherwise have what I say mocked while living at home. God I miss school.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2006-12-10T22:12:00

2006-12-11T05:12:19Z

I don't use my LJ enough and yet my friends page is my homepage in Firefox. Strange? I think so. I think I'll make an attempt just short of a New Year's Resolution to update my LJ more frequently. Stories may or may not be mundane but I think that the expression of my feelings through typing may be cathartic.

So I'm 23 now and another quarter under my belt at CWU. I'm back at home for a couple of weeks for winter break. I've been home since Friday and I already wish it were January. It's not the errand running, or the fact that there is nothing to do here that really bothers me it's 2 things.

1.) The fact that my Mom doesn't treat me like an adult. I'm 23 and can make decisions by myself and can realize the pros and cons of each of them. And if I don't make the right one then as a result I must accept the consequences. That's life and part of being an adult right? The stupidest thing happened tonight & I just lit into her. My phone rang. I have a musical ring tone of a Disturbed song. My Mom starts in on this diatribe about how "that's bad music w/ parental advisory stickers etc." "you shouldn't listen to that" blah blah blah. It is my opinion that my Mom is so overcome w/ empty nest syndrome that she has to look for things to pick at in order to maintain some degree of authority or else face the reality of the fact that her children are independent. So that's the theology behind the event.

And then there is my response. I told her that I'm an adult and that my choice in music has little to no bearing on who I am. I told her that I'm 23 years old now and have been able to decide for myself without her guiding whether or not to purchase CD's with parental advisory stickers on them. That my music is part of my individuality. I said that she would be ill advised to talk like that because she sounds uneducated. That shes drawing conclusions based on nothing more than her personal dislike for music from this generation. I've exonerated myself and I feel better but it's the fact that even at 23 years old I still have to hear this kind of stuff from her. It's ridiculous. Adults need to have adult level conversation w/ one another and not resort to this kind of domineering conversation where one person continually insists that they are right.

2.) Family drama. I won't get into a bunch of details at the moment but the fact that my family is overcome w/ drama and refuses to take any kind of active steps to avoid or at least solve it is beyond me. Everyone wants to compartmentalize it all and not think about it and just sweep it under the rug. And if that can't happen then we look to other people to try & come up w/ a solution and if that solution doesn't work then we'll just continue w/ the same crap and wait for another day. That probably doesn't make sense but it felt good to type it.

That's all I have right now.

College Graduate

2006-09-08T21:58:30Z

Looking back on my 22 years of life I can think of several events in my life that have filled me with a great deal of pleasure and happiness. Disneyland with my family when I was young, my learners permit & license, graduating high school....

And now I can add to that list. Graduating college! Today officially marks my graduation from WVC, my diploma came in the mail meaning I am the first of the 3 McMahon children to have a college degree under my belt. All that's left now is another year and a half to two years of PR focused classes and I'll have my BA.

I am so pumped it's not even funny!

Wenatchee Does it again

2006-06-13T23:49:38Z

I dont really know if I should be blaming Wenatchee, mnyself, my parents, or a combination of those and other factors but the truth remains that I am a 22 year old failure.

Wenatchee High School pushed me into mediocracy at the junior college & I denied myself 3 years of the "real" college experience. I should have up & left this town as soon as the diploma was issued but instead I chose the easy path and didn't present myself with any sort of a challenge. I just sort of followed someone else's pre-determined path to go to junior college and now I look back on it & I regret it whole heartedly.

DISCLAIMER: This isn't to say that junior college in and of itself is a bad institution but for me it seems that it was a huge mistake.

I have nothing to show for my 22 years on this earth. And coming home this summer from a year at CWU is proving that. I really enjoyed this last year in Ellensburg a lot more than I gave it credit last September. I've made some real friends, I've made connections with people in the real world, & I've established a somewhat new personality for myself in a new town. But coming home to Wenatchee brings all of that forward progress crashing back down like the tower of Babylon. I'm only taking one class this summer; a class that I've already taken and am forced to re-take in order to fulfill requirements for my associates degree. I'm still unemployed and the fact that I'm only taking one class doesn't give me the excuse that I'm a working student.

Living at home is the most uncomfortable thing ever. My mom constantly harps on me for not having a job. A fact that I am truly working to correct but not in the fashion that she deems acceptable (another example of the fact that all of my decisions have been wrong), my dad is so upset about money and work and this & that that he makes it unbearable to move. Life at home is a choice between the lesser of two evils as is my whole life. Everything is a double edged sword. For example:

--Take care of the cars & get bitched at for spending money or don't & get bitched at 6 months down the road when something goes wrong because of the lack of proper maintenance.

--Run our dishwasher & add strain on the septic system now that 5 people are living at home again or let it fill all the way up.

And then there is the double standard that exists between my brother & I. He get's to come home from his fancy art school in Seattle & do nothing. Doesn't have to seek out employment, doesn't have to listen to daily beratings from our mom because he is unemployed, doesn't have to help out in any way shape or form around the house.

But he gets to take my mom's car & go down to Wenatchee & hang out at the skate shop and hang out with his friends & go out at night and hang out with his friends all on my moms mileage & Dad's gas. And Dad will never say anything to Ryan about how much gas were dumping into the cars or the miles on the odometers but I'll certainly hear about it. So what is it that entitles my brother to have a summer break where he gets to come home & relax and enjoy time with his friends & I don't? Did I not work equally if not twice as hard as he did at school this quarter? What about me is it that denies me the ability to have a relaxing summer break? To relieve myself of the burdens amassed from CWU?

So you the reader may be asking yourself the simple question: Well if this is the situation on the home front why come home at all? Why not just stay in Ellensburg & continue to take courses there? Well it all comes back around to choosing the lesser of two evils. If I had stayed in Ellensburg this summer I wouldn't complete my associates degree & graduate from WVC which in turn would make CWU hold me to the flames of its gen-ed program which would require that I take several 100 & 200 level classes to satisfy breadth & depth requirements uncompleted in their eyes. So which evil is less? Come home & suffer but get the associates over & done with (with one class) which will then allow me to continue towards my BA?

Or stay for an undetermined number of quarters that are nescessary at CWU & basically nullifying my efforts at WVC & thus adding to the time (& money) needed to be spent there?

So the fiscally responsible choice was to move home & cut down on expenses both long and short term. But it has brought about another battle with depression that will continue to go unseen and unnoticed by my cold and callous parents.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2006-03-06T11:26:00

2006-03-06T19:29:01Z

You know what I'm really sick and tired of? Family drama. More specifically my families inability to avoid it and move beyond it. It seems that every week at least once or twice I get a phone call from back home about some random thing that is really minor. I'm 60 miles away and so my question is: what am I supposed to do about it? I don't know what I'm saying. Goodbye.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2006-02-10T11:50:00

2006-02-10T19:51:14Z

So last night at the Starlight:

TJ- "My neighbor invented the Bowflex!"
Meghan- "Chuck Norris invented the Bowflex BITCH!!!!"

Even though my neighbor seriously did.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2006-02-01T10:17:00

2006-02-01T18:17:29Z

Reds are motivated by POWER, seek productivity, and

need to look good to others. Simply stated,

REDS want their own way. They like to be in

the drivers seat and willingly pay the price

to be in a leadership role. REDS value

whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it

be at work, school, or in their personal

relationships. What REDS value, they get

done. They are often workaholics. They will,

however, resist being forced to do anything

that doesnt interest them.

Reds need to appear knowledgeable. They crave

approval from others for their intelligence

and insight. They want to be respected even

more than they want to be loved. They want to

be admired for their logical, practical

minds. REDS are confident, proactive,

visionary, and can be arrogant, selfish, and

insensitive. When you deal with a RED, be

precise, factual, and direct.

What Color Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hyddenmynd87 @ 2006-01-28T02:45:00

2006-01-28T10:46:13Z

I have made some great new friends since I've been at CWU! I had a great time tonight & will post more tomorrow.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2006-01-23T13:22:00

2006-01-23T21:25:01Z

So for the first time in a few years I'm listening to a song that used to bring upa a swell of feelings from a certain someone & as I listen to it right now I can honestly say that I don't feel the same way & that brings a smile to my face. Moving on kicks ass! even if takes forever. I'm feeling good today even though I woke up at like 6:00 AM & couldn't get back to sleep. I need to re-arrange my room or something. People need my "get it done" approach to new problems & I'm distancing myself not only physically (problems in Wenatchee & Seattle & I'm in Ellensburg) but mentally as well. I offer my advice but I'm not gonna do it. I don't know what it is but today is good!

TJm

hyddenmynd87 @ 2006-01-22T13:57:00

2006-01-22T21:59:53Z

So I've determined that having my own room at school is so much better than living with a roommate. I like being able to watch my TV shows without asking which I can now do since I have my TV (but no remote damn it!) & I can sleep in as late as I want & I have been & I feel better. It's so much better! I can also listen to my music when I want & talk on the phone whenever & for as long as I want. I'm really loving it!

2 Things That Piss Me Off

2006-01-10T20:21:01Z

So you know what pisses me off? Two things really that have happened in the course of the last hour to hour and a half.

1.) My mom who insists on treating me like I'm still in high school. The fact is that I am the only one out of the 3 kids that she has who is not only successful in college but actually enjoy being here & don't complain about it. I wanted to go over to Seattle for the weekend & pick up my grandparents car & drive it back home so I could go to the doctors cause yet again my ears are bothering me. She of course flips out & tells me that the passes are so dangerous & that I'm going to die if I traverse them. When the sad fact remains that they are still open, there are no restrictions on either of them, & the fact that I am 22 years old & have been driving (albeit w/ a few accidents & tickets) for almost 7 years now. I think I know how to travel in adverse conditions. And not only that but I'm not stupid enough to be so gung-ho & travel the pass when it's bad. If it's bad then I'd just stay put where I am. End of story. But God forbid that my mom see me as an adult who can make adult decisions about what to do. I find it completely incomprehensible that I can be 22 years old & not be treated as an adult. The only thought on her mind is that I wanna go to Seattle to drive a car & to parade around Bellevue & to have a good time when that's only part of the case. I am continually shocked at the way she puts a clamp on my life. How am I supposed to grow if I am not allowed to experience things? I mean have some faith in my ability to make judgement calls. Like I said if the passes were bad once I had access to the car I would simply stay put & wait it out. I'm an adult I can make informed decisions and it's high time I started being treated like one.

2.) The other thing that pisses me off that has occured is the inability of my family to appreciate all the hard work & effort that I put into things. Primarily, in this case, the new engine that went into BOOKBUG. I bounced back & forth between insureance agents, insureance adjustors, service advisors, my mom & dad, & my sister and now that the car is done & ready to be picked up I don't even get the slightest amount of thanks. My sister didn't even say thank you for calling & telling me it's done so I can have my car back & go back to my living a flitty life, my mom didn't say thank you for taking care of it all through out your holiday break & calling now that it is finally completed. It's just another thing that had to be done. And while I'm happy to do it because I'm the only one in my family who can get it done effectively without compromising emotions and whatnot it would nice to be recognized. I'm sorry if I've had to call the house a couple of times to arrange a trip home & to tell you that the fucking thing is done but what else am I supposed to do? If I don't call home then I'll get bitched at for not communicating. Sometimes I find it hard to be in my major & have the family that I have. All people do is pout & bitch about the situation but don't take the time to thank me. I'm so tired of going by the wayside in this regard. I really don't think that a simple thank you is such a stretch to ask for. Once again I've wasted my efforts & my time in order to do something for people who just don't care. The point remains though that if I don't take the bull by the horns & get shit done it will never get done because my sister is completely clueless for one, my mom would be so wrapped up in the emotional aspect of it all & on top of that is clueless, & my dad simply doesn't have the time to deal with it because he's too busy earning the money to pay for it. Again I go by the wayside & it's not appreciated.

Welcome to 2006!

2006-01-04T02:40:11Z

So here we are 3 days into 2006 & this is my first update in a long time. For that I apologize because I know that there are people who are on my friends list who like to be updated on my life & it's happenings. I'll try & make posts more often.

Well after a long & somewhat trying vacation break I am back at CWU for my second quarter. It's amazing how much I've acclimated to being here on my own for the most part. I really enjoy it. I like being away from the drama of home & having my buffer zone. Between dealing with car wrecks & the subsequent agents involved with that to drama w/ my brother & parents it's nice to be back where I don't have to deal with that kind of stuff directly. Classes start tomorrow & I'm looking forward to getting back into it. I have to finish unpacking the rest of my clothes which are currently laying out on my bed so that I'll have a place to sleep tonight. I'll be sure & post more about break later. Probably tonight. Love to all in '06!

TJm

hyddenmynd87 @ 2005-12-03T16:58:00

2005-12-04T00:59:28Z

What a distinct pleasure it's been to listen to my roommate throw up 3 different times this afternoon. Not to mention the fact that he didn't lock our door last night & someone dropped eggs on the floor. I've requested my transfer & hopefully will be moving out sometime in Winter quarter.

UPDATE 5:02... Retching #4 taking place as I type. God do I love college!

Party

2005-12-03T09:55:35Z

So in an effort to be a more social person I went out to a party with a friend of mine to be the DD. The party was pretty fun even though I only knew 2 people there. I got to hang out with this girl from PRSSA who I like & is funny and easy to talk to & that was fun. After I got back to my room I opened the door to find that someone had gotten in and dropped 2 egg's on the floor and there was no sign of my roommate. The door was unlocked too. Thankfully nothing was missing so we just chalked it up to random drunken college students celebrating the last weekend before winter break. It kind of pisses me off cause it could have been worse & soemone could have taken my computer, my DVD player etc. etc. I think I'm gonna request a single for next quarter.

Update (1:45).. My wonderful roommate and 2 of his really drunk friends just came stumbling in here acting like total idiots. You'd never know we were at a college the way they were acting. I think it'll be better if I have my own room. Sure it won't be as big or as nice as this one but I think that's a hit I'm willing to take.

More party stuff to discuss in a later post.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2005-11-14T19:42:00

2005-11-15T03:42:15Z

I feel like shit. That is all.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2005-10-24T21:13:00

2005-10-25T04:25:55Z

So I'm sitting here int his class listening but not actively. I feel like my head weighs a ton & I feel like crying & I don't know why. I think that I have bi-polar tendencies. I feel really good some days & then on days like today I question:

What I am doing at CWU? In Ellensburg?
What is the future?
Why am I so tired?
Why am I so cynical & jaded?
Why can't I get excited about anything?

Im sure that there are more rolling around in my head but those are the most prominent. They fill my head and my thoughts and I can't seem to divert my focus elsewhere. Why can't I be normal? And even tha tbegs the question what is normal? I feel like I don't fit in. Like life is a puzzle and the people are pieces that make up the larger picture. And whoever it is that is the higher power keeps picking up the other pieces and fixing them into the picture but never me. I feel like time is running out. How much longer can I keep feeling this way? Why can't I pick myself up, kick myself in the ass & bear down & get shit done. Is it that hard? It can't be if I've this far. This newfound independence CWU has afforded me is forcing me to look at the larger picture; life that is. I am terrified of failure, terrified of the life that lies down the road 3 years of so down the road. I want something or someone to comfort me. Drugs & alcohol are, to me, no more than temporary escapes which open more problem doors than they close so that's not the answer. Casual sex has many risks inherent in the behavior/lifestyle & requires one to be physically attractive thus closing off that option to me. I need someone to take in their arms and hold me and tell me that it will be alright & help to lift me up. I say help because I don't want to be caught in another clingy/co-dependent relationship. I realize on days like this that I am alone.

"Well what of your family & friends? Surely they are there for you."

And there is no doubt that they are but at some point I must branch out on my own. I have to go.

--It was at that point that something the professor was saying became important.

Not A Good Day

2005-10-25T04:13:01Z

Today was really, really shitty. And the thing of it is that I can't really place my finger on why that is. I've felt shitty all day since I woke up. I went to my 8: AM class & towards the middle I started to feel all closed in and just all in all felt gross. So I came back to my room & showered & watched some TV & it got even worse. I thought that showering and getting dressed would make me feel better. It didn't. I felt miserable. My head felt all heavy & I was dead tired. I took a caffeine pill & had some Mountain Dew thinking that I just needed to wake up. That didn't help. I got to my first class of the afternoon and I wasn't even really paying attention until it was almost over. I sat through most of it just writing down stuff & filled 2 pages. Maybe I'll transcribe it later. The remainder of the afternoon wasn't any better I felt like crying the whole day. Came close several times. Shortened breaths & an empty feeling rounded out my afternoon. I watched a movie to try & distract myself from these feelings but all it did was make them worse because of some of the themes in the movie. I tried eating dinner & that didn't make me feel better either.

I don't know what it is. I'm fucked in the head I think. I'm gonna end this post & trnascribe my thoughts from this afternoon I think.

Fuck it

2005-10-06T00:29:39Z

For the first time since I've moved to CWU I actually want to go home. I'm fed up with it (classes, schedules, no car, roommate, & on & on) & don't want to be here anymore. I long for the simplicity of home & yet I know that can't happen. I don't think I'm cut out for this college shit. I realized fully today that I am truly alone on this campus as I am in life. I don't know what to do.

TJm

Week one at CWU

2005-09-25T23:32:12Z

So as of today it's been one week since I've moved out of my house in Wenatchee & come to school at CWU. After the inevitable crying that followed lunch on move in day I unpacked & settled myself in. Classes didn't start until Wednesday so I had a few days to finish the unpacking & the settling in & the finding of classes.

The first few days were a little troublesome. Making wrong turns walking to & from the SUB (Student Union Building) & the buildings where classes are. By Tuesday afternoon though I had it all figured out. I got my computer set up to use wireless in the SUB & all over campus. As for my classes they are all OK save for one. It's taught by a German lady who is a total bitch. She thinks she's the best thing to happen to that subject since it was introduced into higher education. She speaks really low & I get the feeling that she doesn't really wanna be there. I don't know how I'm gonna make it though that class. I like my room & my roommate is a pretty cool guy.

I went to a late night Fred Meyer sale w/ Emily on Tuesday night & bought myself a mini fridge for my room. So now I have my own fridge & so does my roommate which is nice. The one provided by the school was just too small to use for 2 people's stuff. My mom is getting my bike fixed so I don't have to borrow Emily's anymore. I think I'm gonna go home next weekend & get it.

I have no real bad news to report. Tomorrow begins the real test of my acclimation to CWU & life here. It's the first full week of classes & I'll get the real feel for what it's going to be like. I've only experienced lonliness once or twice & will save that drama for another post.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2005-09-18T09:39:00

2005-09-18T16:40:24Z

The car's packed! All I have to do is take a shower & rouse the parents & I'm off to CWU. Wish me luck!

hyddenmynd87 @ 2005-09-14T18:41:00

2005-09-15T01:42:03Z

Your Birthdate: December 7

Born on the 7th day of month gives you a tendency to be something of a perfectionist and makes you more individualistic in many ways.
Your mind is good at deep mental analysis and complicated reasoning.
You are very psychic and sensitive, and you should usually follow your hunches.

You may not take orders too well, so you may want to work alone or in a situation where you can be the boss.
This birthday gives a tendency to be somewhat self-centered and a little stubborn.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

--That's about right. 3 days left in Wenatchee. Adios

Countdown

2005-09-04T17:44:26Z

So I'm looking at my calendar and today is September 4th which means that as of today there are only 2 more weeks until I leave Wenatchee! Two more weeks & then school starts. I'm getting more and more anxious as the days pass.

hyddenmynd87 @ 2005-08-07T18:23:00

2005-08-08T01:35:30Z

So how about a mid summer's update? Well let's see.....

On Monday the first of the month orientation for CWU was in Ellensburg. Me & Dad went & he was surprisingly interested and involved. Only spent a little time on his phone with his office & actually had conversations with me about housing, roommates, schedules etc. I was amazed to say the least. I'm all set up with classes and what not for fall. I've sent a letter to my roomie & have yet to hear back. That's kind of disheartening but it's no big deal I guess. People are busy right?

Wednesday my parents went to Spokane together. Dad had work Thursday & Friday & mom got to lounge about the Davenport & shop. They picked Molli up on Saturdady & now she's home for 3 weeks before her fall quarter begins. Hooray for that.

So Thursday an old TV set from the lake that my grandfather had given to Ryan was delivered to Sav-Mart & since the parents were gone & I had nothing better to do I hopped in the car at 5:30 w/ the TV & drove to Seattle. Met up with Ryan who drove us to Jack in the Box for dinner. We stopped at a CD store that we both enjoy going to together & shopped around for a while. After that it was back to his apartment & hooked up the TV & then left for home. Didn't get back to the house till around 1: AM but it was all worth it. Had a good time w/ my brother.

And tonight. Oh tonight. Molli's home & my mom's home & dad's off at the office working. We get hungry around 5:00 or so & there was some chicken that had been bougt at the end of last week that needed to be eaten. So I fire up the grill & cook for the three of us. We haven't heard from him about what he wants to do so we figure no big deal. He comes home & ever since has been throwing a rampage about: when we ate, what we ate, the food I bought at the store, the fact that the A1 sauce has been moved from one cupboard to another, the way I put things in the fridge, the fact that I like T-Bone steaks. On and on & he hasn't stopped. So now I'm hiding in my room because no matter what I do or who I do it for or the manner in which it's done it's wrong. I take a TV to Ryan to be nice & that's wrong. I cook dinner for my sister & my mom & that's wrong. It never ceases to end. I'm amazed that I've managed to come so far without just going on a screaming fit. The man makes me feel totally incompetent. He doesn't even take the fucking time to notice that his car is clean & still in one piece. He doesn't notice that. No he chooses to notice instead that I put a steak I bought myself in the fridge & it got confused with his & the poor guy has to eat a steak with a bone in it instead of boneless. Oh what a tragedy! Fucking dickhead! I'm so fed up with trying to do things right. Cook, water the lawn, take care of the house, take care of college, take care of cars. Every attempt I make at any of those or any other life situation & I fail in his eyes. He just doesn't seem to care. I mean sure he's a brilliant attorney with skills out the ass but he's got no clue when it comes to how he makes his own son feel. And that's my dad.

TJm

hyddenmynd87 @ 2005-07-29T18:17:00

2005-07-30T01:21:53Z

Here's another example of why the ideal of karma is nothing more than a fantasy.

I take the Jeep down the dealership yesterday for an alignment & transmission service to save money in the long run & to get better life out of the new tires that were just put on it 5 months ago. Today I decide to take a trip to CWU to go & talk to an advisor about school & the car's transmission stops working. The car stalls. I have to sit on Blewett Pass for an hour and a half waiting for a tow truck. We get it back to Wenatchee & it turns out that the transmission is probably shot & thus so is the car. Won't know till Monday. My mom thinks it's no big deal & says it happens to me because of "the way you do things" whatever that means. So she won't listen to me. Dad is likely going to be pissed. Ryan will be furious when he learns that his car is most likely destined for a scrap heap or a FOR SALE sign. So that's how I spent the bulk of my day. Sitting on the side of the road outside of Ellensburg & getting yelled at. Try to do nice things & they don't come back full circle. Karma my ass!

hyddenmynd87 @ 2005-07-25T19:30:00

2005-07-26T02:30:42Z

WIRELESS!!! Finally after years of being in the dark ages of dial-up I convinced my mom to switch us to cable internet. No more annoying dial-up noise, no more waiting for pictures to load & then having half of them not come through. It's a good day!